BONER PARTY!!!

one time i did uppers with this guy that had worked in a mine most of his life. dude rarely saw the sun from ages 16 to about 40, so the guy was pale as a fucking sheet and looked about 25 when in actuality he was at most 43 (i never asked; you shouldnt either). he told me “aboot” dropping acid in a Starbucks in Winnipeg and how the experience became an almost David Lynch-ian non-principle; that “the animal within a cage is no longer a beast, and that the animal must be set free”. or something. i was like Rick James high when he told me all this.

but then we walked back into the bar and there was this asian broad singing “Come Sail Away”. i will not advocate drug use but i will totally advocate drug use if you are in the habit of doing so with ageless almost spectral miners from Manitoba and korean law students drunk on life and Styx keyboard solos. because that is America. i dont know what your teacher told you in grade school about a bunch of white dudes with wigs and Cameo leggings; she was wrong and you have been lied to. America is founded on an underlying belief that we are all good, there is a right and a wrong, and there are to be no gray areas.

however, its when you start wading through the gray areas, though - in the soup of it -  that the landscape becomes more clear, and you can see this place for what it really is: it’s actually a pretty rad country where the sane people just keep a lot quieter than the idiots. people are allowed free speech and should be encouraged not to get along but to disagree because the dissonance and the ability to converse with one another without violence truly is - i guess - what America is sort of about, if you get down to brass tacks. which is why hippies are full of shit, too, but thats a whole other blog entry.

apologies for the lack of wakka-wakkas in this post. maybe i had to do a lot of drugs outside a dive bar in East Hollywood with a Canadian miner to realize how much i love this country. but anyways, happy 4th of july.

(pic via laist)

sometimes we get some shit for “putting women on unobtainable, unrealistic pedestals”.

this is totally true, and here is an example of one such pedestal.

Boner Party mention on Gawker.

well that’s nice of them, isnt it?

THE BONER PARTY BOOK AND WHAT IT COULD MEAN FOR AMERICA:

• an audiobook version, read by (in order of preference): Morgan Freeman, Patton Oswalt, Holly Hunter, Michael McDonald.
• a pop-up book of various boners from around the world. so the kids can learn!
• freeform poetry written in middle earth english, packaged in a leather bound tome to be toted by wolf-shirt-wearing ne’er-do-wells throughout the halls of their high school.
• “Where The Sidewalk Ends”-esque story book for children with the overall moral being “its not what you’ve got, its where you stick it”.
• commercial tie in with chilli-dog magnates Weinerschitzel; “Boner Party” toys in every kids meal; toys depicting various B and C list actresses reactions to being “bonerized” on the site.
• Morgan Freeman does a reading tour via impromptu and seemingly random appearances at coffee shops, biker bars, and taco trucks throughout Los Angeles county.
• Boner Party TOTALLY SELLS OUT and lends our name and likeness to The Gap; Fall/Winter ‘09 fashion line almost totally inspired by eighteen seconds of Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” music video after we sleep on the deadline after spending all of our money on top quality drugs and venison tacos. Fashion historians mention SNAFU forevermore as “The Boner Party Jean-Skirt Incident”.
• Boner Party Lunchbox fails to sell as “box” pun fails to be noticed; product ships with a plastic vaginal likeness in leiu of Thermos after company executives fail to understand the obscure and childish switcheroo.
• Zooey Deschanel’s ego so overblown by such frequent site mentions that she signs on for “Boner Party: The Movie” starring Brian Dennehey as “Lord Böner” and Susan Sarandon as “Cougatron”; movie garners so much money that seventeen sequels are made.
• Boner Party ends up being the futures only hope. basically, the final scene of Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey come to actuality. Boners beat Death in a game of Battleship, all is well with the world.

zooeydeschanel:

‘Dude, I dig Zooey Deschanel’ T Shirt

http://www.redbubble.com/products/configure/10006346

OH MY GOD NO WAY. thats like our whole site on a shirt.

this is the single greatest picture anyone has ever sent us.

with no forethought to this entry, as Tecate may have gotten the best of this particular Boner Party, Diablo Cody should at the very least be given a stamp with this picture on it. because if you can make it - bear with me - from a Minneapolis stripper (friendliest strippers in the world btw) - to writing Juno - to combatting the Hollywood machine with your very wherewithall - thats a very fucking awesome thing. props to you, duderette. if you’re ever by melrose and western, tacos are in order, D-dog.

so, you’re Johnny or Jane Decision Maker and you’re a big boy/girl that can make your own decisions. and ok, fair enough. you want to buy some drugs. you should be fully aware that you - under no circumstances - should be in the habit of purchasing drugs until you can pay or your own rent. that is: the biggest lesson i could tell any of you young cats out there. its just not worth it. if you’re still worried about grades, or what Suzy BigEyes or Timmy McGreatConversation might think about you: you should not be doing drugs. its just not worth it.

that little green fucker Yoda was obviously bullshit because he got it the wrong way around: with great responsibility comes great power. and i mean honestly, who does acid anymore?

lets go through a handful:

POT: yeah, dude. smoke pot. i dont care if you’re Mandy Moore in that one movie and you’re the presidents daughter; everyone could use a little bit of pot. its not a gateway drug: the only gateway it leads to is eating more doritos and wondering what your hands are there for. and pot only makes those anti-pot ads even more hilarious. shit, those things MAKE me want to smoke pot. do they really think we’re that stupid? yeah, some people can’t handle pot or drugs at all, but those people also really like Eminem and Disturbed and live in flyover states that no-one thinks twice about until our little cheiftans decide to get really mad about whatever and goes and shoots a gun, basically ruining drugs for anyone and everyone.

COCAINE: cocaine is the the 10%’ers out there who “want to make a point” about “something” but they haven’t figured out the “something” part and just go off on this vaguely romantic Rebel Without A Cause Nor Effect bullshit. because if you’re spending $60 on a baggie of white powder the size of your thumb, you’re obviously stupid enough to realize that you could have saved $47 by buying five cans of Red Bull and drinking them really fast. its pretty much the same effect, i hate to tell you. unless of course Journey is playing, or you just happen to be in Paris in the mid 90’s. the thing about blow is it has such a mystique but it turns you into such a fucking asshole. remember the gay room-mate that every time you were over at your girls house he wouldn’t shut up about Six Feet Under? well now imagine that guy is you and you’re talking about blow. it makes you that level of annoying. now stop it. they call it “blow” because you can “blow” your whole rent payment in a three day period. now just put it down and leave the bathroom stall. i dont care if you live in New York. if youre doing coke in New York that’s twice as worse because you’re “that guy” now, you’re the guy that orders a steak at the seafood restaurant. no, i can hear you disagreeing with me already. fuck you. you’re wrong. i’m right. coke is only cool when you’re hanging out with Van Halen or winning the lottery. just because its a Wednesday night and youre in the L.E.S doesn’t mean you should be shoveling that shit up your nose like a hungry hungry hippo, brosephine baker.

CRACK COCAINE: sure, dude. why the hell not. i mean, you made it all the way out to the traintracks and made some new friends, right?

HEROIN: are you fucking serious? are you fucking retarded? nice one, Johnny DecisionMaker. chances are doing “The H” is going to turn you into a human personification of Every Character In The Boondock Saints At Once. and that movie sucked so much balls that Jenna Jameson and two of my ex girlfriends got jealous, because they suck a lot of balls. like, a truckload of balls, backing up, beep beep beep. dont be that guy.

ACID: you don’t need acid. and acid doesn’t need you. the only people that “need” acid are late night radio dj’s and people that really, really, really hate their dad. i know the cool dude who smokes unfiltered cigs and has a beard keeps saying that acid changed him but it only really changed him from your run-of-the-mill The Swans fan into your run-of-the-mill neighborhood guy that knows where to buy roofies at any given hour. same beard, though. funny how those things work out.

OPIUM: i dont know, Oscar. are you a chinese guy from the 18th century? then you should not be doing opium. opium is like “perma pot” and should best be avoided unless you’ve got every season of The Simpsons and don’t feel like doing anything for the next three days.

METH: yeah, dude. do some meth. it gives you RAD cheekbones for TWO WEEKS. its all downhill from there, but do you want those cheekbones? i bet you do. sucks about the whole “no teeth” thing. BUT THOSE CHEEKBONES! c’est magnifique. fetch me my sketchpad and my still camera because i feel a Larry Clark moment coming on.

CRAISINS: those shits are addictive. surely this is a nationwide epidemic.

ECSTASY: ok. first off, fuck you. and fuck everything about you. i’m sorry, but go back to 1998 with that shit. and take off those JNCO’s. and the candy necklace. and the ‘happy hardcore’ cd anthonlogy. ecstasy is for bored college girls with too much time on their hands. and any dude that does it seriously needs like a pound of beef jerky, a shit ton of water, and a good talking to. “it makes you happy”. so does a pizza, dude. just order a pizza. i swear to god you’ll look less of a retard dancing around a pizza than you will dancing around in a warehouse with a bunch of people that look like they got kicked out of a Manson family reunion.

SALIVIA: what is this? Scrabble? that shit sounds like a boss in Mortal Kombat. can i beat it? oh its a drug? are you fucking serious? how old are you? go get a job. look, heres a copy of ‘On The Road’ and a pat on the back, kiddo.

WHIPPITS: its all fun and games until you break into the Starbucks at 3am.

COMPUTER CLEARNER / INHALANTS: DID YOU SEE THAT FUCKING EPISODE OF A&E’s INTERVENTION? THAT SHIT FUCKS YOU UP. straight up fucking turns you into “Mommie Dearest” turned to 11. totally not worth it. yeah thats a great idea: freeze your brain or turn blind. nice one.

ALCOHOL: oh, alcohol is a drug. do you seriously think - that in your heart of hearts - that you’d have gone home with a Tori Amos fan OUT OF CHOICE?

___

conclusion: big surprise, Boner Party advocates pot use. and honey bear bongs, which can be used not only for their intended purpose but can also be used as interesting decoration throughout the house! think about it. think about it. think about it some more. now stop thinking about it.

alexis’s boners were always “out there” and “avant garde”. i remember one time she said she wanted to “get an original Lichtenstein” and it was some nudge-nudge wink-wink say-no-more thing, i thought she meant something sexual, and it was the dirtiest thing you could ever think of. like, “mongolian beaver hat” or something. but it wasn’t at all what she meant.

its a slippery slope from ‘run-of-the-mill asian porn aficionado’ to flying to Bangkok to ask ‘will you please pee on my face’ to anybody that even vaguely resembles Sailor Moon.

if you smoke enough pot and put Aladdin on mute and then put on the Ying Yang twins, then this song becomes this song. and then you dont have to do anything for the rest of the weekend because you’ve clearly won at life and are one empty space away from winning at Life Bingo.

now all you have to do now is fingerbang an Olsen twin and then you raise your hand, yell “bingo!”, and then you die in a flurry of awesome. this is all true, by the way. do you know how easy a Heath Ledger joke would have been right there? but i didn’t say it. nope. i just thought it.

atencio:

To answer your questions, yes, I am currently working on a time travel machine, and yes, I plan on using it solely to return to the time and place where this picture was taken. (via)

christ its like the Boner Mafia.

Boner Party will miss 80’s nostalgia. i don’t think we got enough of it. everyone just got hung up on legwarmers for a hot minute and then Miami Vice. we totally missed those slap bracelets, LA Lights, and wearing bandadas.

when the fuck is American Apparel going to bring back those shorts? leggings are for housewives and little girls and people who buy Greatest Hits albums.

getting knocked up has to be a pretty raw deal. not only can could we as a couple not afford to eat for two, we’d be immediately forced to resort to eating for three. and there are only so many hot pockets in a packet, baby. you are the weakest link.

that being said it would be pretty rad to name a baby “Batman” or “All You Haters”. ‘cause then me and the missus would just get really baked and say things like “ALL YOU HATERS GO TO YOUR ROOM” or “BATMAN EAT YOUR PEAS GODDAMIT” or something because no-one in their right mind should have a kid if they still think skinny jeans are a good idea.

fuck, we’d probably name him “Plus One” just so we could get into shows for free. wait. thats a brilliant idea.

It’s called the “let me take you away from all this” fantasy and it’s pretty lame when you consider the fact that your plan only involves taking her away to a taco and then to your one bedroom where you’ll quickly stuff your dirty laundry into your closet and start Mannequin up again right where you left off. yeah. thats more or less all i really had planned. (gus menary)

i cant decide what i like more. the fact that kristen stewart dresses like the ultimate “lets hang out” babe or the fact that she went partying with dakota fanning the other night.

i mean honestly. who goes out partying with dakota fanning? thats badass.