while i’m at it, thanks for the Zooey / me photoshop picture a reader sent us.
i’m flattered. wow. i love it how a crush on my favorite actress turned “meta”. so hilar.
My Thoughts Upon Seeing This Picture In The Exact Order I Had Them:
what an awesome sweater. i like the green.- look at those lips! wowie wow wow. what a babe.
- that sure is a lot of hay
- wait hold on…
- … oh… my…
- fuck me running. that is one GNARLYscar.
- she’s still really hot, but that scar? what the fuck?
- maybe if i scroll up a little
- nope, still there
- fuck
- what i scroll down?
- now all i can see is the underwear.
- god dammit.
- this is the last time i use tumblr for porn. ever.
- maybe she was in a car accident?
- am i bad for not being attracted anymore because of that huge, gnarly, epic scar? it really threw me off guard.
- seriously. did she get attacked by a bear?
- maybe it was a shark. or a tiger.
- hey, am i objectifying women too much? shouldn’t i be looking at regular girl porn, not all these model babes? is this fucking up my concept of beauty? am i only going to be attracted to 10’s now? what if i find a really cool 7? will she still do it for me after i’ve seen all this porn? should i even be worrying about this?
- i shouldn’t be guilt tripping myself when i have a boner. i really shouldn’t. it only leads to th…
- yup. theeeeeere it goes. sigh. another day, another boner.
Anna Faris’s ass is The Greatest Ass
her ass is like, god, fuck, actually, y’know what? i cant even finish that analogy because instead of finishing that joke i just ended up staring at her ass for like a full minute in total silence because my room-mate is a turd and won’t let me play “The Greatest” by R Kelly in homage to her ass. its like the most perfect lower-case ‘w’ i’ve ever seen. i want to walk it home from school and carry its books and sheepishly ask if it wants to go see a movie this weekend and pass it notes in class.
one time i walked through a forest with her ass and the forest doubled in size because SHE CAN GIVE WOOD……. TO WOOD.
fucking SCIENCE, people. her ass defiesSCIENCE.
… and then on the other end of the spectrum you have Kim Kardashian who… wait, isn’t she only famous for fucking the brother of a 90’s sitcom star on camera, and then selling dvds of it? oh yeah, thats all shes “famous” for. good thing i totally went to college.
that ass is probably looser than an anorexic elephant and had more bones buried in it than the back yard of a kennel. that ass has had more C-list hip hop dick in it that a urinal at the VIBE awards.
don’t get me wrong, its a nice ass, but its like the ass equivalent of a Hummer. shit, son. you don’t NEED that much ass. its not right.
b
Sheeeeeiiiiitttttt.
Sometimes, it’s hard being a hot girl. You just want to crawl into the corner of the VIP room and just chill the fuck out with a Bud Light and not worry about wearing pants. 
We don’t know what’s more interesting that sweet remix of MGMT by Cut Copy the DJ is playing or those two girls in the corner. I mean, girls making out with each other, been there, done that. Hearing a sweet and swampy remix in a room with all of your friends is absolutely priceless though……
b
“so yeah mom and dad this is Samantha. shes kind of a free spirit, but yeah, we’re in love and she’s moving in with me. yes, she’s wearing a bear mask. nope, she won’t take it off. is the next question about the bear mask? well, then i’m not going to answer it.”
b
