the worst thing about being a self aware kind of guy - which, i gather is you if you indeed have a swinging dick between your legs and you’re reading what i’m writing - is that you are very consciously aware of the age old wisdom: guys are stupid, and girls are crazy.

guys are stupid in a cartoon way. if you’re a girl and you’re reading this, please skip to the next paragraph. ok. no girls are reading this? ok. DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH WOMEN BEING SO BATSHIT ALL THE TIME? I KNOW, RIGHT? but seriously, that aside, we are stupid in exactly the same way that Tom from Tom & Jerry is “stupid” (he’s the cat, you idiot). we know what we want but have no idea how to get it. silly traps? fun and games? wine and dine another intermittent character to make her jealous enough to come over there and ruin your date? that’s exactly what its fucking like and you know it. unless you’re some kind of creepy super being that just gets pussy on the fly because pussy to him is like jazz and he’s the miles davis of vagina, just grabbing notes out of the air because he “just can”. FUCK that guy. thats not you. he will die alone and angry one day after yelling at the dog. YOU will go on to be “a great dad”, and stuff like that. conveniently, you read Boner Party, and will leave me a large sum of money on your will. i’m kidding. so dude - you don’t need to worry. just understand that you’re stupid.

ok. women. i’m sorry. woMYN. ok, first off, that womYN thing is fucking annoying. overtly aggressive feminism is to women what Yoko was to the fucking Beatles. you broke up the band. i’m sorry. but women - please understand that you are fucking crazy. and its not in a fun “Bridget Jones Lets Spoon You Can Eat Ice Cream I’ll Watch Hulu And Smoke Some Weed” kind of way. fuck no. fuck no not today thank you kindly. women: you are crazy in a way like a Stephen King novel. you are so epic in your craziness that you draw us in, making us read all sorts of shit in to you, laugh with you, cry with you, and when you’re done with us you stick around with us forever in some way or another until the day we die. it fucking sucks. thats the power you have over us. so that means that with every little plot twist we are enveloped in it and invested in it. so that means that when you throw shit at us like “the man in black fled across the desert and the gunslinger followed” or “Pet Cemetery”, it blows our fucking minds because we have no idea what the fuck you’re going on about really but we have to keep following (ok quick tangent: there was ONE fucking pet in Pet Cemetery. i thought it was about PETS. but no. its about a DEAD KID. total fucking bummer).

women, you’re still fucking crazy. its not fair that you have this sort of power over us because its like giving your keys to a Kennedy. you make irrational decisions. you collect shoes. you have periods at the same time as other women just because you are in the same vicinity as them what the fuck is that about that is some fucking werewolf shit im fairly fucking sure. i’m also fairly sure a woman invented The Snuggie. a sizable minority of you fucking ENJOY Sex & The City (hint: anyone who likes that show is a secret whore). so its totally NOT fair. sure, we think farts are fucking hilarious and cry at Wonder Years episodes when nobody is around, but women - fuck - to put it in the simplest way possible: you can’t “emotion” your way out of a problem. and that goes for both sexes, really, but applies directly to yours. and dont give me that Rosie The Riveter mega-femme bullshit. we’re all in the same boat. i just told you how dumb we all are. the least you can do is put the ‘A’ back in ‘WOMYN”.

did i leave anything out? no. i dont think so.